Balki Kees!

So, this guy kissed you? Eh?

Well, I would have run up and kissed you, too. I would have also mentioned how chapped your lips were. Or how red your face was. Or how mussed your hair was.

Oh, darling! I would never have said those things! I would have offered you Burt's Bees Wax and rubbed your face and smoothed your hair with Bed Head gel.

I would have also kissed you. On the cheek. Because that's where a princess like you should be kissed.

Battle Royale

Darling! First of all, Happy New Year. Much has happened this month, keeping me from my correspondence. But I am back in full force!

It was none other than the news of the tug-of-war between Barbara Walters and Oprah Winfrey for an exclusive interview with you that brought me from cyber-hibernation. Sweetness, I can understand your hesitation. Barbara Walters is a pioneer, a role model for so many female journalists. And Oprah Winfrey, well, golly, she's Oprah!

Whom will you choose? Will you decide to go with Barbara's Vaseline soft-focus? Or would you rather get a large, red "O" branded on your forehead? Either way, you win. And I hear that becoming a legal, trademarked property of Harpo has a myriad of benefits.

But, more importantly, whomever you choose to interview you, will you tell her that you have decided to accept my sincere and loving proposal? And when you do, please use my full name, Peter-Lawrence. I just think it sounds so much more sophisticated and continental.

Merry Christmas, Pippa!

I cooked, my dear. Stuffed mushrooms. I'm going to make cookies, too. Maybe a cake. See what a catch I am?

Reason to Marry Me #10: I Can Cook

Thanksgiving is upon us, here in America. I am thankful that I can cook. As you should be. I will regale you with gustatory delights, daily. I just hope you're not vegetarian. I can make wonderful veggie dishes, but, really, I like meat. I guess I'm a barbarian in that way. Grrr!

Marital Arrangements

My dear, I know that nothing has been formalized, yet, but I still feel the need to discuss the inevitable. As has been highlighted many times, I am a homosexual. Our marriage would be beautiful and fulfilling, in all ways but one. We must deeply consider how we are to handle this situation.

I propose celibacy. Yes, you read that right. I can control myself, and I believe that you can, too. Let's be honest: Our marriage cannot last. Therefore, you and I can resist our base urges for, let's say, three years. That's a respectable length, yes After that, both of us will have the notoriety to attract truly high-profile mates. Ones who are appropriate to our tastes and aspirations.

Remember, the goal here is to elevate you beyond "sister of the princess" and to put my face on the cover of People, where it belongs.

Fighting Words

I've read that the Loudons are not content with just breathing an inappropriate sigh of relief over your break-up with the Rapscallion. They are also making disastrous comments about your marriageability. This is highly unacceptable! Now, I am not an aggressive man; it's just not in my nature. But when I hear borderline slanderous comments about my beloved, well, I just cannot let it stand.

Hear now, Loudon family. I demand that you cease defaming Miss Middleton in the media. She is a woman of fine character and good breeding, and you are not to sully her name. I'm not making threats, of course. That would be tawdry. I just want you to know that I will not tolerate any more vitriol directed towards my fair damsel. I hope I have made myself clear.

Living Single... But Not for Long!

My dearest,

I hear that you have finally rid yourself of that cad. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to turn. I have wine. Lots of wine. We can talk about how beastly he is. I'm good at that. And we can chat and bond.

I see beautiful things ahead for us, my love. Beautiful things!