Reason to Marry Me #8: I Have Some Amazing Friends

You can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps, and I keep some pretty damned good company. By and large, my friends tend to be artistic. My friends from high school are mostly people I met through theater and orchestra. For college, I went to Vassar, which has more than its fair share of artistically minded students and alums. Even post-college, my friends have been acquired through theater and my enduring love of singing. (That's right, my love, you will be subjected to many nights at piano bars and karaoke.)

My friends are also ridiculously brilliant, and they love a good intellectual discussion. No topic is out of bounds, and they are keenly knowledgeable.

So, rest assured, I come with an entourage of amazing, smart, interesting people. Never a dull moment in Camp Peter!

Reason to Marry Me #7: I Am Devoted

I love my friends and family. I would do anything for them. When you are part of my inner circle, you become a protected person. The Queen, herself, can't touch you. If she were to even try to step to you, I'd be all, "Nuh uh, Liz. Back it up, baby!"

Dare I say it? I would treat you like a princess.

Reason to Marry Me #6: We Can Match!

My friend Dina brought up a very good point: we're both stylish and can, therefore, coordinate our outfits. "Like, you could look all Ralph Lauren and all-American in a navy blazer and a lavender, cornflower blue and gold tie, and she could wear a lavender dress by Stella Mccartney with navy accents, platform wedges and a hat with cornflower blue, lavender and gold ribbons?" Think about this, darling. And, again, think about how we'll appear in the papers. We'll look amazing. People will be jealous.

We Have Shirts!

My amazing friend Iris has designed a shirt for this movement! Support our cause! Pippa & Peter 4 Ever

Update: I guess the link has been taken down. No more shirts.

Reason to Marry Me #5: Hats Galore

You remember your sister's wedding? With all the hats? We don't do that in America, which is why I loved your sister's wedding so much. So, at our wedding, all the women will be wearing glorious hats. But, guess what? I have a ton of faggy friends. And I'm sure they will also be wearing hats. Hats that out-hat the hats of your old English ladies. Camilla's hat will be jealous of my friend Ben's hat. Ben is a sci-fi geek, so I'm sure that he'll whip out something inspired by Star Trek or Stargate or... something else with "star" in its title.

In other words, our wedding will outshine your sister's wedding. And isn't that what every girl wants?

Reason to Marry Me #4: More Headline Fodder

Can't you just see it? "Queen-to-Be's Sister Marries Queen!" You really have to adore the attention we'd get from OK! and Hello!

Reason to Marry Me #3: Christmas Dinners Will Never Be the Same

So, let's get the obvious out of the way. I am an African-American homosexual. That's reason enough to get your parents' knickers (heh, that sounds like another word) in a bunch. But, I'm also an atheist. So besides the fact that my last name is Pope and that the Church of England has a sordid history with Popes, I bring to the pudding table my non-belief in your god. The tabloids would eat this up with a spoon.

And this is just the kind of exposure you need. You don't want a sex scandal on your hands. You need something that is seemingly everyday, but still interesting. Enter the black, gay, atheist husband of the Duchess's sister.

Reason to Marry Me #2: I Would Sign a Pre-Nup

I don't want your money or your parents' money. God knows I wouldn't be in line to be a royal or benefit from any of that. I just want to hang out with you and your amazingness. We would be best friends and show everyone what it means to be fabulous. Nothing less.

Reason to Marry Me #1: I Love Your Name

I have an unnatural love for all things British. Even your disgusting food. But what I love more than anything else is how you name your children. Philippa is a good enough name on its own. Really. But then you made it into Pippa! Even better! And, as my friends have aptly pointed out, after we marry, you would be Philippa "Pippa" Pope. How amazing would that be? Totes amazing.

I Love You

Dear Pippa Middleton,

I think you are fabulous. You are beautiful, stylish... and a royal-in-law. I love you. I am a homosexual man. I am also several years older than you. There seems to be no reason in the world why you and I should be together. Except for the fact that I would worship and adore the ground you walk on.

What better husband is there than a gay one? I can help you dress. I will go shopping with you. I will go out with you and make everyone know how amazing you are.

This was meant to be.

Love,

Peter-Lawrence Pope