Merry Christmas, Pippa!

I cooked, my dear. Stuffed mushrooms. I'm going to make cookies, too. Maybe a cake. See what a catch I am?

Reason to Marry Me #10: I Can Cook

Thanksgiving is upon us, here in America. I am thankful that I can cook. As you should be. I will regale you with gustatory delights, daily. I just hope you're not vegetarian. I can make wonderful veggie dishes, but, really, I like meat. I guess I'm a barbarian in that way. Grrr!

Marital Arrangements

My dear, I know that nothing has been formalized, yet, but I still feel the need to discuss the inevitable. As has been highlighted many times, I am a homosexual. Our marriage would be beautiful and fulfilling, in all ways but one. We must deeply consider how we are to handle this situation.

I propose celibacy. Yes, you read that right. I can control myself, and I believe that you can, too. Let's be honest: Our marriage cannot last. Therefore, you and I can resist our base urges for, let's say, three years. That's a respectable length, yes After that, both of us will have the notoriety to attract truly high-profile mates. Ones who are appropriate to our tastes and aspirations.

Remember, the goal here is to elevate you beyond "sister of the princess" and to put my face on the cover of People, where it belongs.

Fighting Words

I've read that the Loudons are not content with just breathing an inappropriate sigh of relief over your break-up with the Rapscallion. They are also making disastrous comments about your marriageability. This is highly unacceptable! Now, I am not an aggressive man; it's just not in my nature. But when I hear borderline slanderous comments about my beloved, well, I just cannot let it stand.

Hear now, Loudon family. I demand that you cease defaming Miss Middleton in the media. She is a woman of fine character and good breeding, and you are not to sully her name. I'm not making threats, of course. That would be tawdry. I just want you to know that I will not tolerate any more vitriol directed towards my fair damsel. I hope I have made myself clear.

Living Single... But Not for Long!

My dearest,

I hear that you have finally rid yourself of that cad. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to turn. I have wine. Lots of wine. We can talk about how beastly he is. I'm good at that. And we can chat and bond.

I see beautiful things ahead for us, my love. Beautiful things!

Reason to Marry Me #9: I Am Eccentric

Okay, so this may seem like a drawback at first glance, but hear me out. I am a hoot at social gatherings. People tend to love my quirky take on various issues. But I also know how to rein it in if I see myself overstepping boundaries. Overall, though, I love anything strange and out of the ordinary. For example, I went with my grandmother to her doctor's appointment and was utterly fascinated when he squeezed out a hematoma. (Incidentally, I used to watch operations on public television when I was a kid.)

I will also take an interest in whatever someone is saying because, well, if they're interested enough to share it, then it's worth my time!

Basically, I am the kind of guy you want at any major (or minor) function. I will make your friends and acquaintances laugh, think and maybe even cry.

Just make sure I don't take any shots.

Reason to Marry Me #8: I Have Some Amazing Friends

You can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps, and I keep some pretty damned good company. By and large, my friends tend to be artistic. My friends from high school are mostly people I met through theater and orchestra. For college, I went to Vassar, which has more than its fair share of artistically minded students and alums. Even post-college, my friends have been acquired through theater and my enduring love of singing. (That's right, my love, you will be subjected to many nights at piano bars and karaoke.)

My friends are also ridiculously brilliant, and they love a good intellectual discussion. No topic is out of bounds, and they are keenly knowledgeable.

So, rest assured, I come with an entourage of amazing, smart, interesting people. Never a dull moment in Camp Peter!

Reason to Marry Me #7: I Am Devoted

I love my friends and family. I would do anything for them. When you are part of my inner circle, you become a protected person. The Queen, herself, can't touch you. If she were to even try to step to you, I'd be all, "Nuh uh, Liz. Back it up, baby!"

Dare I say it? I would treat you like a princess.

Reason to Marry Me #6: We Can Match!

My friend Dina brought up a very good point: we're both stylish and can, therefore, coordinate our outfits. "Like, you could look all Ralph Lauren and all-American in a navy blazer and a lavender, cornflower blue and gold tie, and she could wear a lavender dress by Stella Mccartney with navy accents, platform wedges and a hat with cornflower blue, lavender and gold ribbons?" Think about this, darling. And, again, think about how we'll appear in the papers. We'll look amazing. People will be jealous.

We Have Shirts!

My amazing friend Iris has designed a shirt for this movement! Support our cause! Pippa & Peter 4 Ever

Update: I guess the link has been taken down. No more shirts.

Reason to Marry Me #5: Hats Galore

You remember your sister's wedding? With all the hats? We don't do that in America, which is why I loved your sister's wedding so much. So, at our wedding, all the women will be wearing glorious hats. But, guess what? I have a ton of faggy friends. And I'm sure they will also be wearing hats. Hats that out-hat the hats of your old English ladies. Camilla's hat will be jealous of my friend Ben's hat. Ben is a sci-fi geek, so I'm sure that he'll whip out something inspired by Star Trek or Stargate or... something else with "star" in its title.

In other words, our wedding will outshine your sister's wedding. And isn't that what every girl wants?

Reason to Marry Me #4: More Headline Fodder

Can't you just see it? "Queen-to-Be's Sister Marries Queen!" You really have to adore the attention we'd get from OK! and Hello!

Reason to Marry Me #3: Christmas Dinners Will Never Be the Same

So, let's get the obvious out of the way. I am an African-American homosexual. That's reason enough to get your parents' knickers (heh, that sounds like another word) in a bunch. But, I'm also an atheist. So besides the fact that my last name is Pope and that the Church of England has a sordid history with Popes, I bring to the pudding table my non-belief in your god. The tabloids would eat this up with a spoon.

And this is just the kind of exposure you need. You don't want a sex scandal on your hands. You need something that is seemingly everyday, but still interesting. Enter the black, gay, atheist husband of the Duchess's sister.

Reason to Marry Me #2: I Would Sign a Pre-Nup

I don't want your money or your parents' money. God knows I wouldn't be in line to be a royal or benefit from any of that. I just want to hang out with you and your amazingness. We would be best friends and show everyone what it means to be fabulous. Nothing less.

Reason to Marry Me #1: I Love Your Name

I have an unnatural love for all things British. Even your disgusting food. But what I love more than anything else is how you name your children. Philippa is a good enough name on its own. Really. But then you made it into Pippa! Even better! And, as my friends have aptly pointed out, after we marry, you would be Philippa "Pippa" Pope. How amazing would that be? Totes amazing.

I Love You

Dear Pippa Middleton,

I think you are fabulous. You are beautiful, stylish... and a royal-in-law. I love you. I am a homosexual man. I am also several years older than you. There seems to be no reason in the world why you and I should be together. Except for the fact that I would worship and adore the ground you walk on.

What better husband is there than a gay one? I can help you dress. I will go shopping with you. I will go out with you and make everyone know how amazing you are.

This was meant to be.

Love,

Peter-Lawrence Pope